It has taken me 3 years to be brave enough to launch this blog. It’s ridiculous, I know, that the domain name is the brave soul. I have been waiting to feel strong enough, good enough to have something to say. But the truth is, being brave begins again every single day. And even though I have had many victories, I’ve also had many setbacks.
I know that I have a story to tell, but I thought that in order to tell it I had to perfect it. But – I can’t. Because I realized that “arrival” is only a facade. When one area of my life breaks through with victory, another struggle rears its ugly head. So, I have finally surrendered to the fact that I am forever going to be in process, in exploration, and I am embracing my weaknesses.
To tell my story feels intimidating and vulnerable. Even though I am a pretty open and honest person, this version of the story isn’t about the facts and details. It is about what happened inside of me along the way, which is both humbling and raw. It makes Him the gracious hero and me admittedly flawed, fumbling my way through the journey. My story is about going back and waking up a deadened soul, a soul fractured by religion, trauma, and malnourishment.
I believe that every one of us who have been affected by trauma brings a different angle to the story. So much of trauma affects the inner world, and we live our lives from behind that lens. There are hundreds of differing factors, details, upbringings, environments, support or lack of support, processes etc that no one story can fully encapsulate the realities of living with or healing from trauma.
I’m only here to tell my version, from behind my own eyes.
This was the way that I walked back into my pain, faced my survival systems, and woke up the parts inside of me that had been deadened and malnourished for years.
The becoming alive that happened inside of me was not only a journey of inner healing, but a dimensional encounter that took place in the interweaving of my mind, body, soul, and spirit. It was a rewiring of my inner world, an awakening of my longing to be loved, and a restoration of all that had been lost along the way. It is my journey with Jesus, and how kind and gentle he was to never let me settle for death. His transformation went deep into the trenches of my dysfunction, and brought light into dark places. He came in close, and fought for the walls to come down so that I could truly feel alive again. As he unlocked me, he revealed his heart as I had never known before. He is creative, out of the box, unorthodox, and intentional. He counseled me through pictures and allegories, and through the Holy Spirit whispering truth to my heart.
But the brave soul is not just a story to tell, it has been a journey of becoming. And honestly, one that I am still learning. I am continually finding my new legs, and discovering what it feels like to walk through life with my eyes wide open. I am finally safe in my own skin.
But even though it takes courage to be honest and vulnerable, it can’t stop there. Authenticity is a beautiful and rare gift when it is has linked arms with hope. And sometimes, it just feels audacious to hope. I have engaged with heartaches and losses, wrestled with deep disappointments, and sat immersed in shadows of sorrow. And that’s okay. It’s okay for me to taste life, to feel the pains of life, because it means that I am human – that I am real. But courage rises inside of me when I am not willing to be satisfied with anything less than His Goodness for my life. It is the ability to be gut wrenchingly honest and supernaturally invaded all at once. Daring to trust, and allowing Him to breathe into the raw and vulnerable corners of my heart. In these pages, I hope to unveil the continuing journey that I am on of becoming a brave soul.