It had been a super rough season and I could feel myself slipping back into survival mode.
I wanted to be “fine”, but I was not. Inside I was raging, and aching, and sad. Just so sad. I felt like I was missing out in life, like I’d lost my chance, and I was drifting backward. I had a mountain of unanswered prayers that I didn’t know what to do with anymore, and there was a lingering anchor of disappointment inside me.
Life had taken unexpected turns and things weren’t turning out the way that I thought they would. I found myself in scenarios that I didn’t choose. They were small setbacks, but one piled on top of the other felt defeating.
One morning while on a run, I finally stopped and found a quiet place to be still. Up until that moment, I didn’t really want to pay attention to what was going on inside of me and I had been working hard to numb the pain because of the pressure to “keep it together”.
But I sat down and let Him come. I exposed my heart to Him, and I let myself be present.
I was honest about how hard life felt and how frustrated I was to be trapped in a season that I didn’t want to be in…how hopeless I had become, and I didn’t know if I could handle it anymore. Something needed to change – and I needed out of these circumstances.
And I heard Him say to me, “ if you stay, I’ll give you the capacity to stay”.
I hadn’t realized how the solution to all of my problems had transpired to “escaping” them. I did not want to be in this season, and I was so disgruntled and frustrated that I refused to embrace it, and sat in it paralyzed as a victim. It was as if I was holding my breath and hoping that someone would wake me when it was all over. I found myself back in the same old cycles that I’ve repeating my entire life.
Girl meets world. World is hard. Girl wants to run.
But that day, He reminded me of His faithfulness to my heart, and how good He is at what He does. I was focused on the external issues, and He was tending to my brokenness. I had been striving to do it “right”, but He was moving toward me to live whole.
The raw places inside of me were in need of attention – compassion – and that is more valuable to Him than perfection. He wants to come in and heal the world inside of me because that is where my capacity to do life is.
To do the hard things.
When I realize that I am not where I want to be I have a courageous choice to make; to engage, or not to engage. Sometimes, engaging means pain. It means allowing the disappointment of my current reality to settle in. It means embracing the fact that I don’t have my stuff together like I’d hoped. It means that I might need a good hug, a safe embrace, and sometimes a good cry.
Realigning with myself empowers me to live whole again. It keeps me from living in denial and pretending that I am perfect. But performing my way through life can rob me from experiencing His embrace when I need it most – by being seen.
So many times I’ll find myself in pilot mode, riding on the last time that I felt everything was okay, until I realize that my feet are no longer underneath me. I am disconnected from my heart. And most often, I have disconnected from myself in my effort to be “religious” or having it all together.
After years of striving to perform in dutiful obedience, I have finally come to melt in His love and find that He just wants to be connected to me – right where I am at.
It is hard to remember to stop and listen to our own hearts.
No matter where we’ve been, or how long it’s been – we need to be present. To stop and take ownership of the soul we live in, and be honest in there.
It can be the safest place we will ever know when the One who saves us resides in there with us. It is in the core of our being that He offers healing for our pain, forgiveness, kindness, comfort, and love. He awaits with adoration to find us – and we find our capacity in being seen.
“The word that saves is right here, as near as the tongue in your mouth, as close as the heart in your chest.” – Romans 10:8